The Latest

THE LATEST

THE LATEST THINKING

THE LATEST THINKING

The opinions of THE LATEST’s guest contributors are their own.

The Underground World of Chicken Salad

Nick Englehart

Posted on November 9, 2019 13:56

3 users

Do you really know where your money goes when you purchase chicken salad?

There’s a secret world going on behind your back at every local supermarket. A substance trade is peddled between store employees only to end up right within the grasp of you and your children. It is created in-house and sold to customers at an exorbitant markup. That’s right, I’m talking about the chicken salad. You can buy it by the pound at almost every store with a deli counter. Cubed and celeried, smothered in mayonnaise -- no artisanal mustard to be found. All this is available for fifteen dollars a pound. This scheme, perpetrated by Big Grocery on the American public, has decimated the lives of those unable to escape the grasp of this creamy sandwich delight.


I decided to launch my own investigation and have been working undercover at the local supermarket for the past five weeks during which time I meticulously documented the purchasing, creation, and selling process of the stores heavily acclaimed for their chicken salad. From the outside, it looks the same as most: a white, clean-smelling mush perforated by green accents of celery rib and no grapes. Interesting choice.

Digging through the five-dollars-per-pound-purchase sitting in my living room (an amount that could fit squarely smoothed on five round Ritz crackers), I notice no almond slivers. The only texture available in this display of capitalistic exuberance is the overcooked chicken.


At this point, I realized I'd never made chicken salad of my own. Perhaps I was the fool who’d been fooled into believing that fools were afoot. Everyone seems to have their own chicken salad recipe. Family ones that stretched back for as long as mayonnaise had been a staple ingredient in American cuisine. I used the first one I found, as all good home chefs do.


Cost breakdown analysis: 50 cents of mayonnaise, 3 dollars of chicken, 8 cents of grapes, 2 dollars of almond slivers, and 1 dollar of artisanal mustard with mustard seeds still inside, one-cent oil, and a dollar fifty for the glass I knocked over. Total cost 6 dollars and 59 cents. Total quantity, 3 pounds of chicken salad. That’s a three hundred percent markup on chicken salad! I’ve hit the jackpot of investigative journalism. Winner winner, chicken dinner.


The next time you step into a grocery store and find yourself hankering for a sliver of ensalada de pollo, maybe on a nice fluffy croissant freshly made with folded buttery delight, remember you’re being played. You’ll be paying so you don’t have to buy individual ingredients, prep them, wash them, cook them, do that thing with your forks where you shred the chicken and your hands cramp up. You open the recipe a hundred times to make sure you get it right. You mix it all together and find a bowl big enough...

 

Ah, whatever, just buy the stuff.

Nick Englehart

Posted on November 9, 2019 13:56

Comments

comments powered by Disqus

Sun-Times expert Adam L. Jahns dissects the 2017 season and how the Bears are positioned moving forward . John Fox was...

THE LATEST THINKING

Video Site Tour

The Latest
The Latest

Subscribe to THE LATEST Newsletter.

The Latest
The Latest

Share this TLT through...

The Latest