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The Santa Deception

Jeff Myhre

Posted on December 14, 2018 10:07

2 users

Experts in Australia say you should tell your kids the truth about Santa Claus. I say that anyone from a country that has Christmas in summer is suspect as an expert. I told the biggest St. Nick lie ever, and I'm continuing it into another generation of my family.

So, the BBC has just reported on a survey of experts concerning whether one should lie to children about Santa. Apparently, four out of the five say you should come clean when kiddies ask about the guy in red. I did a little digging and all five are academics in Australia, and sorry to all my mates in Oz, but a nation that celebrates Christmas in summer isn't where I'd go looking for answers about sleighs, reindeer and elves.

Besides, I am the perpetrator of the greatest Santa lie of all time. Robert Ludlum would probably call it “The Santa Deception.” A great many years ago, my step-children (aged about 7 and 3 at the time) asked me about Santa and the reality of his existence. I casually informed them that Nicky and I had attended the same high school. Moreover, he and I had a habit of lunching together about a week before Christmas every year. Was there anything they wanted me to tell him?

In the immortal words of Johnny Rotten a/k/a Lydon, “It's easy to deceive a child.” The key, of course, is to tell them what they want to hear. Most people work that way. So, yes, Santa is real, but more than that, you have a secret back-channel to him. Who would doubt that?

“What about Mrs. Claus?” they would ask. I would answer, “You mean Charlotte? I introduced them at my 17th birthday party.”

They asked about the reindeer. I had the names memorized, of course, but took the liberty to inform them that flying reindeer exist only in a small valley outside Hol, in Norway, where it just so happens one set of my great-grandparents came from. That makes me part elf. That also means those Swedish reindeer are incapable of flying. The rivalry between Norwegians and Swedes is hard for most outsiders to understand; simply put, Norsk good, Svensk bad.

Then we got to the sticky question about race. My wife is a black girl from Alabama, and as with most people whose great-grandparents came from Hol, I am quite white – three shades short of transparent, in fact. So, “What color is Santa?”

I am quick on my feet. “Have you every heard of Chameleonensis? It's a very rare skin condition. Only three cases have ever been recorded, probably the rarest disease in the world. Anyway, people with Chameleonensis have skin that changes color, like chameleons. Santa's got it. And he, Santa, can control the color he turns. Some days he's white, others black, brown, yellow, red, green, blue and purple. Once, he tried to turn red with orange and blue stripes and had to go to the nurse's office."

Eventually, they stumbled on the truth, largely due to an understanding of distance, time and population. And the deception was over.

Until my grand-daughter showed up. So it starts up again. I'm having lunch next Wednesday with my old high school buddy Nicky, Santa Claus.

Jeff Myhre

Posted on December 14, 2018 10:07

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Source: Toledo Blade
1

Santa Claus delivered Christmas trees today to Toledo by tugboat.

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