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In All Fairness

Jeff Campbell

Posted on February 4, 2020 08:47

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Senators Warren and Sanders and a few others, for that matter, tout how it is not fair for so few to have so much money. I would expand that beyond money.

I think it is high time that we not only embrace the Warren - Sanders ideas that we need to level the financial playing field, but we also need to level all the playing fields. Maybe we could use the Kurt Vonnegut short story, Harrison Bergeron as a guide. In this story, America has added Constitutional amendments that dictate that all Americans are fully equal, and not allowed to be smarter, better-looking, or more physically able than anyone else. We have even created a new cabinet post called the Handicapper General to ensure that no one breaks these laws and excels at anything.

How about some “practical” examples of how this new equality would work. With the Academy Awards coming up, how is it that so few of us have the opportunity to star in blockbuster films, win awards where we have the platform to spout off about whatever we want to, and, of course, make lots of money? The answer is almost none of us, but that would change under the new government.

We would create a system where everyone is placed on a waiting list and is randomly selected to star in a big budget film. The awards will be expanded so everyone wins one. Eventually, we will all have a wonderful golden statue on our mantel. No need to worry, new laws will see to it that everyone has a nice big beautiful mantel.

Since everyone will now have a mantel, there will be room for other prizes, like Heisman Trophies. Again, just because everyone is not athletic or doesn’t work as hard as others, is no reason to deny them the satisfaction of a nice Heisman Trophy. Anyone that wants one will win one. Say, that could be a new Federal Government slogan. Much better than Kennedy’s “…ask what you can do for your country,” or whatever.

We will have to work out the details of all those professional sports we have going, but suffice it to say, with good old American socialist know how, we will be able to devise a “fair” system to make sure everyone gets what they deserve, which I guess is everything.

Again, Oscars, Grammys, Tonys, whatever else you can think of, everyone wins, and that will be so exciting, the ratings will skyrocket for all the award shows. As for the Hollywood elites, we will all be one!

Since the current stars will be relieved of having to make so many movies, sing so many songs, etc., they will have time to be retrained to also be, maybe ditch diggers, to help rebuild our crumbling infrastructure, or other useful tasks. They’ll love being part of the common working people.

I know, how will we pay for it all? Lots of taxes, of course, at least until we bleed the rich dry, and then after that, well, I’m not sure, but I am sure Bernie and Liz know. Or, in all fairness, maybe they don’t.

Jeff Campbell

Posted on February 4, 2020 08:47

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